7. Mon Coeur
Can you recall when there are moments when you desire something, but lack the courage to act on it? There are times when an incomprehensible amount of courage is all that is necessary to act upon the desires of one's heart. Then, daydreaming and imagining is no longer necessary.
It was a day of no particular occurrence. The weather was pleasant, the birds were chirping merrily outside my window, and the air had just the right amount of humidity to lightly kiss the skin. However, all these arbitrary observations merely augment what transpired in the following hours. At some point during the day, your name popped in my head and immediately, I was at a loss. I got distracted. I began recalling the details I had memorized: the lovely way the skin under your eyes bunches when your smile, how soft your skin feels when it lightly grazes against mine, the coy smirk when you're thinking of something you deliberate on sharing with me, and how intense your gaze is when you're in conversation. The lustre in your eyes blossoms to an unfathomable hue when you're talking to someone, especially when that person is myself. It suddenly caused me to grow increasingly anxious to see you--to catch sight off all these little details that compose your physical makeup. Unable to stop myself and quench the desire to see you, I picked myself off the couch and made my way towards your room. Reviewing several speeches in my head to imitate smooth prose, I quickly stopped dead in my tracks, my feet planting a full stop a couple of feet away from your door. I recoiled behind the corner when I heard your gregarious and infectious laugh followed by an unfamiliar male's voice. I recognized that laugh; you laugh that way when someone says something you enjoy. I know that because it's a frequent laugh I hear when we're together. The hairs on my arms stuck up like every cell in my body received a dangerous amount of electricity. My heart was beating outside my chest and reverberating loudly. Painstakingly quiet, I listened. I heard him chuckle nervously before clearing his throat. I knew the course he was taking. Where he was going. I gulped loudly. I heard his voice fluctuate before inquiring a date tomorrow evening at a restaurant I certainly knew you disliked. I was fairly sure that my heart would leap out of my chest as I painfully listened for your reply. You sigh sharply, not expecting to enter this situation. You asked him for the time and I could hear the smile in his voice when he gave you a reply. Even though it seemed like your voice was off, you responded with having to double-check your schedule to make sure you're free, but you will definitely let him know. My heart sank. The blood in my veins froze. The rhythmic beating of my heart stopped. a million and questions rushed through my head, but somehow, in the midst of chaotic cacophony, my mind managed to conjure a single coherent word. Why? In a momentary lapse of reason and all known logic, I waited for a couple of moments to pass before approaching you. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, fifty, seven-hundred, two million. The door swung open and shut with a vehement clang. Walking at an impeccably slow pace, I knocked at your door, feeling as lifeless as a corpse yet sensing an exhilaration that was completely alien. You opened the door and I saw how your eyes lit up and you gave me a merry smile. You greeted me so excitedly, I could feel the back of my knees buckle. This was the first I saw you in a couple of weeks. Much time has elapsed since I saw you last. Many things that I wish I could explain, but I couldn't formulate the words. I saw how your face slowly dropped and anger flashed in your eyes.
"Hi," you said coldly to me.
"Hello," I responded warmly, giving her a boyish smile, unsure where this was all coming from. I sensed as though a foreign agent inhabited my body and controlled all my movements and thoughts.
"What are you doing here?" she asked me with an equally frigid tone. What she was really asking me was why am I here after so much time.
I don't know why I said it, but I did. "I heard you got asked out on a date."
She didn't respond at first and the expression on her face was blank. After careful consideration, she told me that she was indeed and then inquired how I knew this.
"I was just on my way to come see you and then I heard it."
"Oh really?" She crossed her arms. "Is that so?"
I nodded my head in affirmation. Expecting a question to continue this train of thought, she stared at me with her intense gaze, her eyes unbelievably vivid.
"Why haven't I seen you?"
I stared at her, flabbergasted, sensing the sudden surge of confidence seep through me, emptying. I looked at the ground, unable to answer her question.
"Look at me when I'm talking to you," she remarked hoarsely. "I asked you a question."
"I just...couldn't anymore."
"You couldn't what anymore?"
The shrillness in her voice gave me a sensation akin to a women scratching her nails against a chalkboard. I sighed and without revision, I let all the words slip out that I have carefully guarded these past weeks.
"I couldn't look at you without wanting to stare deeply in your beautifully vivid eyes, telling me a story with a mere change in expression. I couldn't be near you without wanting to hold you close to me, your skin near mine, feeling the warmth of your skin against my own, and having the electricity of your silhouette tease my consciousness. I couldn't be with you without wanting so many things that I couldn't afford to desire."
I saw her expression change several times during my speech, but when I finished, she remained quiet.
"You were the one who said you wanted to be friends and we couldn't continue what we had," she whispered, detecting her voice cracking slightly in the middle.
"I know that."
"Then why did you say it? Didn't you want to be friends?" She appeared in pain when she posed this question to me, her face contorted in an uncomfortable stance.
I sighed loudly. "It wasn't enough," I spoke so quietly, I wasn't sure she heard me. I felt her palm on my cheek, sending my body in an unprecedented frenzy.
"So then why did you push me away?"
I looked at her and her eyes were so warm. "I told myself that you didn't feel the same way and that I couldn't allow myself to like you any longer."
She tossed her a coy smirk. "People can't explain it, but the heart wants what the heart wants."
I permitted myself to take her hand and hold it. I chuckled how preposterous it sounded, but seeing as I was saying stupid things and obviously not acting in my right mind, I asked her: "So, would you like to go to dinner tomorrow evening? That is, as long as you don't have anything planned."
Her response was lightning quick. "I have nothing planned."